I never realized I was getting bad advice from my managers at work until many years later. Instead, I internalized everything they said about my work, my ability, and how I was supposed to show up. That’s what it means to learn, right? That’s how you get promoted.

No, friend. That is not how we learn to be better managers or even better at our actual work. Sure, specific, actionable, practical feedback that improves an output? Yes. Helpful. But that’s not most feedback we are given.  At least not in my experience.

Instead, the feedback I was given often policed my emotions. The worst part? It becomes the fuel for a cesspool of toxic beliefs that evolved into something I believed about myself that is simply not true. 

Like the manager that told me to be a duck at work: calm and cool on the surface while hiding the rapid energy under the water after a particularly stressful week of layoffs. I know that sounds like good advice to all of us indoctrinated on what it means to “be professional,” but after actually being a leader? I think it’s misguided at best. Harmful at worst. 

See, holding it all in? Working when no one is watching? Pretending to be calm? That’s not a formula for professionalism. Not for trust or connection either. Anyone who has been in a leadership position knows that’s the formula for burnout and breakdowns. From there on, I didn’t ask for help and the toll was palpable. All of a sudden I was sitting in a surprise traffic jam crying because I couldn’t take it any more. I can almost feel the collective nod cause, we have all been there.

The advice becomes harmful when the bigger message becomes clear - the message used to silence me and make me feel small: your emotions are simply not welcome here. Not some emotions. All emotions are not welcome here. Not grief, not overwhelm, not frustration, not happiness. None. 

That’s just not realistic. Why is emotional restraint called professionalism but emotional labor isn’t recognized as work? Why do we expect people to be emotionless while those values on the wall demand passion? Emotionless work is not real. 

In the society we live in, there’s no way any of us can work with people every day and feel unaffected. You can’t ignore the news. You can’t ignore the people who are showing up with more emotions every day. It is not weak or unprofessional to be overwhelmed. We certainly cannot be emotionless. 

So I am saying f*** that duck. 

I’m leaving behind the whispers of what they said and all the ways those managers made me believe I didn’t matter. The way they made me feel about work, and I hope you do too. I don’t need that bad advice.