At 17, I missed my high school graduation dinner because I took a shift folding jeans at American Eagle. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I never considered that was a day worth taking off to make memories and celebrate with my family. Instead, I remember sitting in the kitchen eating leftover ribs from the graduation dinner I didn’t attend. Had I known just how many long days I would endure at work, I probably would have made a different decision.
Looking back on the last 20 years of my career, I’ve missed a million more important things to stare at my computer. Weddings, funerals, concerts, and coffees with friends. Big and small, it was always so easy for me to choose work when I had to decide what mattered most. I could always make the math of hours and expenses function in a way that work would win.
I didn’t say it explicitly, but somewhere inside I thought I could survive alone. Technology only made that illusion feel more possible. We monetized loneliness with services like Uber, DoorDash, and Instacart. There was a time when your neighbor would drive you to the airport, your friend would bring you medicine, and Mom dropped off the groceries. Today, I pay a fee and think I’m free from relying on anyone else. I tell myself that I’m just an inconvenience if I need other people when there’s an app for that.
I still haven’t unwound those beliefs completely, but I am changing. I knew I had to change a few years ago when I started dating Lauren, someone who could always figure out the math in favor of the people in her life. I am not changing for her, but changing because I have experienced how it changed her life to show up.
Even when it is inconvenient, expensive, or complicated - she shows up. Nothing matters more than her people. In return, I have found myself embraced deeply by these people and surrounded by love. A Chance The Rapper concert on a lawn with 9 of our friends. A video filled with love from 14 different people on top surgery day to wish me luck. A dinner table that is never big enough for all of us.
Work never chose me back. The app didn’t show up when I was scared and it didn’t guarantee any outcome except exhaustion. But those people and that woman I love? They will show up. They will sit with me in silence when things feel scary. They won’t let me drown. They would certainly never let me choose work and miss my own graduation dinner.
