I went on a tour of the Vatican this week. That is most definitely on the list of things I never expected to say - especially during Pride month. As someone that left the Catholic Church many years ago, I never considered taking this trip. However, the opportunity to visit with local friends brought us here. I’ll always pick a trip with a local travel consultant over one I plan myself. 

In the planning process, I didn’t consider what I would feel in the city with the highest Catholic population in the world after walking away from the church all those years ago. When I stopped attending mass, I felt lost. It was the thing I did with my grandmother. The place I went when I felt like I needed to be near God. For so many years, I felt a conflict between my identity and the religion I most identified with. 

It turns out, one of the most famous artists of all time - Michelangelo - also walked away from the church many years ago at least partially because of who he loved. While the history books might tell you that his queer identity was questionable, my tour guide had no doubts. Michelangelo, painter of the Sistine Chapel, was gay. In fact, he painted his lover - Tommaso dei Cavalieri - on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Talk about the ultimate act of resistance. He painted his lover's arms wrapped around him into a piece commissioned by a Pope. 

As I stood on the marble floor staring up at this world renowned art, I was in awe. The colors. The way the images pop. The details. I’ve visited over a dozen basilicas filled with art in just a few days and none of them compare. What makes it so remarkable to me is that Michelangelo wasn’t renowned for being a painter, yet he created this first of its kind 3D painting. It was a big risk and one that came with many challenges. Rumor has it he didn’t even want to do this job. He had a real dictator of a boss (Pope Julius II) and the conditions were not exactly easy. This was before ladders and elevators. Before mass production of paint and art stores. The man lost his eye painting this massive ceiling. 

As much as I was filled with awe, there were also so many questions. Here I am staring at beauty, innovation, and art that has influenced the world. It’s incredible. But what could it have been if Michelangelo was allowed to fully be himself? What would he have created if he could love and be loved in the ways his heart desired? 

While I definitely don’t consider myself an expert in art history or Michelangelo, I am an expert in coming out. I did it three times: as gay, non-binary, and then as trans. I remember the fear I carried into those first moments when I revealed who I was to the people I loved. The build up. The constant self-doubt and questioning. The panic of wondering if I could be this person and say this thing out loud. If I could still be loved by the people I loved most. 

In my life, the answer hasn’t always been yes. I’ve lost people I loved because of who I am. I’ve lost work because of my identity. In response, I hid for so many years. I thought if my family couldn’t love me, why would anyone else? I kept secrets and I know they held me back from my aspirations - in my career and life. 

What I’ve gained from coming out of the closet outweighs all of those losses. As much as it hurt to leave behind people I love, allowing myself to be seen in this way has given me an opportunity to make the impact that matters most to me. I make the world better by coming out. By living out loud. I know from the emails I’ve gotten in response to pronoun sessions that telling my story has allowed others to live more full lives, too. Being who I am has opened doors I never imagined and started conversations I feel honored to have about identity, truth, and the power of love. 

I’m most honored to say that being who I am out loud has given other people the chance to come out, too. I know because of my experience they will get to live more full lives. Create more beautiful things. To take risks. To do things at work and in their personal lives that are better than they ever imagined when they stayed in the closet out of fear. 

That is more beautiful to me than any work of art.