Last year, my partner and I officially decided to settle down in a city called Rockford, IL. While in the dreaming phase, we made a list of every little thing we would want in our perfect place with one exception. If a condo became available in one particular neighborhood, we would go ahead with it and take the next step. We have family in the neighborhood.
A tragedy opened the door for our dream to come true. See, the man next door to our family passed away suddenly. He had just beat cancer and been given permission to bike again - his favorite hobby. I know because the bikes in the house when we did the walk through were nicer than some of the cars I've driven. Well, one day he went for a ride and had a heart attack. He never came home.
Outlining a life by the tragedies is such an oversimplification. He was meticulous. I love that about him as the owner of his former home. See, there was a New Yorker reusable shopping bag waiting for us when we got the keys. It had every booklet from every appliance in the house with notes about the customizations, filters, and every other detail written in all caps on the covers. He stapled the cards of his favorite service people to each of these booklets.
I’ve also learned a lot about him from the random mail still sent to his name. He was a psychiatrist. A volunteer in churches and communities around the world. He read the New Yorker.
He made a lot of upgrades and updates to the home. Nothing was broken or old. We found out later that this was his retirement plan. This condo was going to be his home until he hit the age where he couldn’t live on his own any more.
I can see myself in him and these little details. Leaving notes behind to ensure the next time I'll figure it out. I'll know what to do. Making a plan to plan. But this year, I want to live a little differently. It’s pretty obvious to me that while those business cards and details might be valuable, scoring the success of every weekend by how many projects I get done is simply not a way to live a satisfied life.
I’m done copying and pasting my strategy from when I was 20 and expecting it to work for me now that I’m 40 and I know better. I’m willing to change. That’s why my word of the year this year is free and even four months into this year, it is a rally cry and reminder to live a life free from thinking there’s one right way to live.
Every year I pick a word of the year instead of writing out resolutions and goals. I started this tradition with a friend who etches our words on coins. She has managed to get me one every January for the last few years. They sit on my desk today - Peace, Brave, Grace, Allow, now Free. This is a step in the direction of growth after years of doing the work to learn to love being inside my head and this body as a trans person relearning who they are.
What’s your word, your rally cry? What will you whisper to yourself as you take on the next big step in your life this year (besides the 4 letter words)? Whether it’s a word, or a one-liner, goals or nothing at all - I hope the next few weeks and months of this year put you on the path to a life you love. That you can trust you’ll end up exactly where you belong without a list or even knowing where to start. Free.
