I don’t get a ton of mean or hard questions during my live pronoun education sessions. I mean, this is a remote workplace, not a Facebook marketplace. The keyboard warrior tactics don’t play as well at work. But there was one line of questioning that I can’t forget after all these years.
At the end of my session, this person first asked, “can I just not use pronouns?” Without thinking too hard I said, “well not if you want to speak English.” Which is true. Speaking the English language without pronouns is more challenging than you think. Then, the tone of the questions shifted to anger. “Why can’t I only refer to you by your name then? Why do I have to be forced to do this?” They kept going.
I remember feeling a little shut down and a lot shocked. Shocked by the fact that we were on a webinar organized by this person’s employer and they felt 0 shame behaving this way. They had no problem completely rejecting pronouns in front of all these people they work with and HR. Here I am sharing these personal stories that are meant to help you understand and you’re trying to avoid it altogether. I felt like I didn’t do my job.
Continuing The Conversation
My role in pronoun education is simply to educate without expectation. But after I leave? It’s HR’s job to continue the training and education - especially now that pronouns are part of the EEOC guidelines on workplace harassment.
The problem? My friend Heather Bussing said it really well in her post: “You can't change people, their biases, or their feelings about other people. We show up at work with all our baggage. There's stuff in there we didn't even know existed.” That makes the job of continuing the conversation far more difficult.
I know one thing. This guideline means your people certainly can’t ignore pronoun guidelines anymore or just “not use” them. It’s not optional. By definition, misgendering is harassment. Employers must address employees by the pronouns and titles that align with their gender identity. Historically, this is the exact area where people would get defensive and bring up something about not using the same bathroom. Yeah, that part is covered too. You can read the entire update here.
Educating Employees On Pronoun Guidelines
For so long, most companies have just ignored people who pushed back on pronouns. But now, the consequences of doing nothing are simply too high. Failure to respect an employee's gender identity, including the use of their pronouns, is discrimination under federal employment law. You can’t just ignore people who push back on pronouns anymore.
It’s time to make pronoun training a mandatory part of onboarding for all employees (yes, I offer this - let’s talk) to help them follow pronoun guidelines. This is not a topic that can be left to a one-off lunch and learn anymore. You’re not going to bypass harmful scenarios because you hired a person that one time to do an hour talk that 16 people attended.
But there’s one difference between a good and great presentation and something I want you to look for no matter who delivers this training for you. A great presentation is going to include more stories than definitions. Full transparency: I’m biased. I do this presentation. I tell stories. But with that said, I’ve seen the impact. As much as we can introduce concepts to people with a more formal structure of information, it’s not going to make them understand why it’s important. To me? That’s a mandatory outcome of training. Otherwise, it’s just wasted time.
Looking for more resources?
- Contact me to speak at your organization and create your on-demand pronoun training. Book a meeting.
- Download this pronoun ebook for a basic introduction to what a pronoun is, what to do if someone gets misgendered, and actions every ally can take to support others.
- A great podcast from my friend Rhona Pierce on those pronoun guidelines.
