A few weeks ago, an old friend from college messaged me with a question about pronouns. It started with, “You haven’t said anything about being a pronoun person recently, but I have a question…” I couldn’t help but laugh at being called a pronoun person. I also had to take a step back to think about why I haven’t been talking about pronouns that much over the last year.
On the one hand, the novelty of my own pronouns has admittedly worn off. I feel good in my skin for the first time. I just cut off all my hair. I am discovering what it means to be nonbinary and trans in ways I never imagined when I started taking testosterone 5 years ago. Plus, I don’t live in a van by the river, so I don’t find myself in constant contact with people who question my existence.
Simultaneously, I know I’m also downplaying my identity for safety. Hurting trans people has become a political rally cry. Sometimes it feels easier for some politicians to hate trans people than help constituents. But this fear factor goes back even farther than some of their careers. My whole life I could understand the subtle message that being trans at work wasn’t ok.
The Cost Of Living Out Loud
The cost is bigger than any one opportunity. The consistent loss of opportunity adds up to systemic issues like that trans individuals often lack legal protections, have higher poverty rates, and experience increased violence. The Human Rights Campaign reports that 29% of transgender adults live in poverty, and more than one in four have been refused healthcare due to their gender identity. That’s not counting all the kids in all the states where it’s now illegal to give them gender-affirming care.
This fear - of being out, of consequences, of not having the resources to defend yourself - adds up to a lack of representation at the manager level despite data that suggests queer people are actually more driven to become managers than straight counterparts, yet they still don’t get the job.
Even if a threat isn’t actively present, it’s pretty normal for LGBTQ+ employees to fear consequences of living out loud. While many companies will publicly endorse Pride month and stand up for LGBTQ+ issues on social media, research shows that 50% of LGBT+ people are still not out at work because they believe being out at work could hurt their careers. “Hurt” meaning anything from losing their job to not getting a promotion or being selected for a project.
Loving Your Pronoun Person: Allyship In Action Series
Love is the only thing that heals the parts of us that we have hid. The kind of love that shows up in the smallest ways. It’s sending someone a gift card after they find out their passport has the wrong gender marker (true story). It’s checking in more than once to see how someone is doing. It’s going out of your way to make sure you know what to do when it feels like things aren’t right.
I’m writing my next blog series for those of you who want to show up in love. Managers, allies, coworkers, and friends who just want to know how to be better.
Over the next few weeks, I want to answer some commonly asked questions - from people I love and those who have seen me speak about pronouns - to empower you for Pride 2025 and every day after that.
Looking For A Pronoun Speaker This Pride?
If you’re looking for a Pride speaker, this is me asking to be on your short list. My presentations are different. I’m not going to read definitions or recite legislation. I’m going to tell you what it’s really like because I know people grow when they encounter people with big hearts.
I’m willing to show up, answer questions, and help your team learn to do 1 thing better in hopes that it paves the way for people to feel a little more free to live out loud. Want to see more of my style? Be sure to download my guide to pronouns and belonging for more. You can get a copy here.
At Three Ears Media, we train teams on pronoun education and building belonging in the workplace. Whether you want to learn how to correct misgendering at a leadership level, support your team in coming out at work, or celebrate Pride in meaningful ways, we’re here to help. Our sessions equip teams with the knowledge and tools to foster an inclusive workplace through education and conversation. We offer team training, consulting, and 1-1 coaching for organizations committed to creating cultures of belonging. Interested in learning more? Book a call with me.
More Posts In This Series:
