This remote worker ransom letter was inspired by an 8-mile drive that took over an hour just a few weeks ago. This is what your team really wants if you demand they come into the office next week.

Exactly one month has passed since we grabbed lunch, and now is the time for action.

I have received your request to come to the office on Thursday for our meeting. Meet the following conditions, and I will return to the office to attend your meeting. 

Don't notify HR. I am not asking for a lot, only for what I need and I am very serious about this.

Put a $5000 cash bonus on my desk. 

Add a Pooper Scooper Service to let the dogs out three times today, and clean up the "thank you" these dogs leave behind regardless of those visits.  

Send a body double to attend my son's 3rd-grade orchestra concert, book his camp for next week and pick him up from school. 

When I arrive in my yoga pants, no meetings can be canceled or run over. No one may take this call from home.

Now or never - 

Remote worker 

PS: a private office, meals of my choice, and unlimited espresso preferred