“I lost my Mom and a few days later celebrated my birthday,” the post said. But then it took an unexpected twist. They said, “as an entrepreneur, I couldn’t take time off. I had to get back to work.” This is where the record would scratch if I were in a movie and I’d stare deep in the camera to whisper, “WTF?” 

My stomach instantly turned into a knot with grief, empathy, and frustration for them. If I’m being 100% honest, it took everything in me not to comment, “no, you did not need to get back to work.” I know deeply what it feels like to believe that you have to pour every little bit of yourself into a business to make it succeed. Eight years in, I know it’s a lot of that and grace. Breaks. Rest. You can’t give 100% if you’re not ok. You need time to heal. 

While I understand this might be just another example of people trying to use hustle culture and emotional strings for likes, I know this situation isn’t unique. In fact, it happens to people who work for anyone - themselves or a corporation - all the time. But I still closed the tab thinking “I Hate It Here” (shoutout to Hebba - love her podcast - listen here).  

A Business Case For Bereavement: Brains After Grief 

While the vast majority of organizations offer some paid bereavement leave, most employers are still offering just a few days - on average about 3 days. They only reserve longer leave for what they think are the “closest” relations - aka parents, siblings, or spouses. Eye roll here. I mean, why does a company get to decide who’s important enough for you to be sad? 

Three days off for the death of someone you love is just not representative (or helpful, for that matter) of how people actually experience grief and recover from the loss of losing someone they love. If you’ve ever lost someone before, you don’t need my research to know grief’s most intense phase lasts months, not days. 

These policies also don’t consider the measurable psychological and physical harm that happens when people are pushed back to work before they’ve had time to process loss. Our brains just aren’t the same after we lose someone we love. Psychobiological research of bereavement shows increased risk for depression, anxiety, sleep disturbance, cardiovascular issues, and immune changes in the months after a close death - multiplied in neurodivergent folks and people struggling with their mental health in the first place. Expecting someone to “be fine” and get back to work after a few days isn’t just careless, it’s contrary to all those values you love to put on the wall about how people matter. It’s contrary to your employees’ mental and physical health. 

4 Ways To Make Bereavement Policies More Human 

As much as I wish I could say, “just give them 6 months off in the bereavement policy,” I know that’s not realistic. Often, deaths happen unexpectedly. It’s not the same as when someone who’s having a baby spends 8 months preparing the team. When people die, the people grieving them are often figuring out how to manage this transition in real time at work and in their personal lives.

Here’s what I think is a lot more realistic (and humane) if we want to really support people who are grieving a loss at work - and you won’t even need to change the policy. Any manager can do this.

1. Flexible return options. Instead of forcing a full return after a few days, allow people to phase back in. Part time for a few weeks, remote work, Fridays off, etc. 
2. Proactive support. Don’t just send flowers to the funeral. Check in. Send reminders that they are thought about and cared for. Redistribute workloads temporarily. There’s no better support than the freedom of not coming back to a pile of things to catch up on. 
3. Respect privacy and pace. Let people decide how much to share, and don’t expect them to “perform” gratitude or positivity immediately after returning.
4. Look up your mental health benefits and encourage your team to provide insurance plans or perks that cover therapy. Everyone needs therapy, not just people who are grieving. 
5. Recognize grief as ongoing. Support doesn’t stop when someone returns. Offer flexibility for therapy, anniversaries, and memorials - the days when grief resurfaces unexpectedly. Build compassion into performance reviews and deadlines. No one should be expected to be at 100% performance after a big loss in their lives. 

The most important lesson of all here? Stop providing a standard and start applying the golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. Nothing is more important than healing after a loss, especially a checklist on Slack.