Many years ago during the first year I offered pronoun presentations, I made friends with a mom of a 3 year old who knew they were not a he or a she. This kiddo didn’t have the exact language for this feeling or even know what to call themselves. They could only communicate that they felt “icky” - their words, not mine - when anyone called them a gender specific pronoun like “he” or “she.” Mom let them navigate these waters of self-understanding, testing out pronouns in different scenarios where they felt safe and wearing whatever outfit made them feel comfortable. 

That was 2021. I remember smiling at the pictures and posts I saw for months afterward. See, I wasn’t allowed to wear pants to church at that age. Now, this kiddo can talk about their feelings without knowing what they need? That is a beautiful thing. 

A lot has happened since then, but mom and I have stayed in touch on Instagram. Recently, they moved to a new city for kindergarten. Mom told me she was nervous. This was a red voting district. She didn’t expect much. Then, on day 1, she was given a gender IEP (Individualized Education Program) for her kiddo. A dossier, of sorts, to help everyone at school figure out how to refer to this kid correctly. Of course, I wondered how we could bring that to work because I LOVE this idea. 

The Social Situation On Gender

For the kiddo, this gender IEP instructed all of the adults on what pronouns to use and offered answers regarding common scenarios people often have questions about. Things like how to refer to them in class, who it might not be safe to talk about gender with. And yes, I’m also talking about the toilets. Still don’t get why everyone is so obsessed with who pees where when they have gender neutral toilets at their house… 

I’m so thankful moms like my friend and school policies like these exist because they have such an influence on the lifespan of that child’s life to counter the negative impact of current legislation targeting these children. Not just one or two bills, either. About 1,000–1,600 bills have been introduced in the U.S. over the past five years that are targeting transgender youth whether it’s school access, sports, pronouns, “classroom” rules, and bans on gender-affirming care. 

Think about this. That’s one thousand bills when there are fewer than 1 million trans children who are impacted by this legislation. That’s one bill for every thousand kids. That ratio is disproportionate by any measure - socially, politically, and emotionally - especially when there are no laws to regulate guns that kill children. Just gender - and while the impact on those people can’t be measured, I know the consequences will show up in your workplace.  

What’s a Gender IEP At Work?

These kids grow up to become part of your workplace. They grow up to become a new generation of doctors, lawyers, and leaders. They grow up wondering if they’ll ever belong. That is why we need these gender IEPs at work. Not because of this legislation, but because the volume of these laws make people believe they can’t belong at work - or anywhere else. 

Creating this dossier is a simple way of setting expectations without putting the responsibilities on the queer person to do all the educating. No special training needed (at least not for day 1 to be successful). Just clear communication upfront. I’ve offered a lot of advice on pronouns at work in my career, but this is by far the best solution I’ve seen. 

Here are a few things you might cover in the document: 

• How should we refer to you? 
• Is there any scenario where you want us to refer to you differently? 
• Misgendering by others — how to handle mistakes, who should step in to correct, and preferred language for doing so.
• Confidentiality boundaries — what information is private vs. shareable.

Finally, be sure to explain that if something changes about their gender or how people should refer to them, they can fill it out again. No one expects them to never change.

Have you seen anything like this gender dossier at work? What have you done to build belonging around pronouns beyond employee education? I want to hear from you - in the comments or over on LinkedIn.