A few months ago I had the chance to travel to Rome and visit the FAO headquarters. A friend works in PR there and took us on a tour of their unique library, conference rooms where world leaders regularly sit, and up to the top floor cafe where a glass-walled dining experience awaited. I didn’t know before I visited that Rome is a hub for the United Nations' work in food, agriculture, and rural development, hosting the Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO), the International Fund for Agricultural Development (IFAD), and the World Food Programme (WFP).
At a small table in a sunny spot, my friend shared that her nephew is trans and looking for work in rural Texas. As you can assume, it’s hard for him - not just because he’s trans. It’s hard for everyone right now. But also because he grew up there and in any room within 50 miles, there’s a 70% chance he’s going to run into someone that knows him at work. Small town life. #Iykyk.
His Aunt, my friend, told me it happened again just days before we met in that cafeteria. Her nephew went to an interview at the local power company and the secretary welcoming him was in the same graduating class. He was outed as trans right there in the lobby. After the first interview, he didn’t get a call back. Not even a “no, thank you" message, even though he was more than qualified to do the work. “I don’t even know how to help. Do you?” she asked, with eyes that begged a much bigger question than what her nephew should say.
How Can I Help When Everything Just Sucks?
What she was asking me was how to support him when she knows the bad thing will still happen. He just won’t get a job. I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t. It would be easy to fall victim to the reality and assault you with sad statistics about trans people looking for work. I could try to provide an optimistic solution to this systemic problem. But that doesn’t make the reality different: it is insanely hard for trans people to get work.
It shouldn’t be. If you ask me, anyone who has gone to the depths of knowing themselves enough to be willing to live out loud in a world that hates you is brave. They are a leader who will challenge people to be better because they know how to challenge themselves. I want them working for me. I don’t need research or business cases to know that.
But the unfortunate truth is most people aren’t like me, especially in the rural regions that make up most of the country. The end of the job search journey often begins when a trans person is recognized from Facebook or handing over your identification for verification. However, we know more people are coming out every day. What can we do to stop this cycle?
Coming Out At Work: Everyone Can Help
The responsibility falls to each and every one of us, not HR and recruiting, to make our workplaces a little safer for people to come out to us as who they are - trans or cis, gay or straight, autistic or neurotypical - the list goes on. Our responsibility is to make safe spaces of ourselves and utilize the world of accessibility tools available to make the world a little easier so these folks can think about something besides just surviving.
We can prepare for people to come out at work by:
- Going to therapy. If you work in benefits, make sure there’s a benefit to cover therapy. People who work on their personal shit are better at their professional shit. That’s the least eloquent way I can say that, but it’s true.
- Advocating for training. Hire educators. Introduce your teams to people from different identities and backgrounds. If you need a business case: your customers are going to be from all walks of life. (I can help. Book a meeting.)
- Show, don’t tell. Saying "I'm an ally” is one thing. Advocating for better benefits for queer employees is actual allyship. Do something to advocate for making systems better when you know they are not equal.
- Advocate for better policies and benefits. Mental health. Gender-affirming care. Partner benefits.
- Respect privacy and choice. Not everyone wants to be out and put their pronouns in their email signature. No forced disclosure.
- Correcting others when they misgender people. (My advice on how here.)
News flash: at some point, it’s going to happen. People are going to come out at work. With the gift of more information and time, people figure out who they are. People that work for and with you. At some point the friction between living as one person at home and one person at work becomes too much. Those of us working in HR and recruiting can help in that moment.
At Three Ears Media, we train teams on pronoun education and building belonging in the workplace. Whether you want to learn how to correct misgendering at a leadership level, support your team in coming out at work, or celebrate Pride in meaningful ways, we’re here to help. Our sessions equip teams with the knowledge and tools to foster an inclusive workplace through education and conversation. We offer team training, consulting, and 1-1 coaching for organizations committed to creating cultures of belonging. Interested in learning more? Book a call with me.
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